Are you getting the visual metaphor yet?

I am about to type something that terrifies me just a little bit, in fact just thinking about it makes me wince. It’s a gut kicking air knocking low blow kinda motherhood thing. So phew, here goes ….

I love my son to the very ends of the earth, but I do not understand him.

Ouch, the shame of that sentence. Words I never thought I would utter or type.

I do not understand him, my son, who was born from me.

I know him in a practical sense. I know he likes macaroni for tea, warm baths and a cuddle before bed. But emotionally we are as distant as Tom and Taylor right now. We just don’t “get” each other.

I can’t define the type of child he is enough to even Google him to get help. He is all of them, Determined: tick, Emotional: tick, Loving: tick, Impossible: tick, Physical: tick. Tick, tick, tick, enough with the ticking already!

I feel lost in him, stressed and saddened that Sunshine Boy and I are suddenly sailing stormy waters.

I do things that used to make him laugh and now they make him angry. I offer up the much loved bike rides and frisbee games and they are met with a stony silence.

Where is he? How can I not know him anymore?

I feel like I’m failing us both.

I thought you had a baby and you knew that baby and nothing changed except they got bigger. But it’s changing ALL the freakin time. Hour by hour, bedtime, by bedtime and school pick-up by school pick-up.

It’s like he went into the reception classroom 3 weeks ago and walked out a different boy. I find myself looking at old baby pictures and reminiscing about the early days, when I knew what he needed, what could make him happy.

Because happy is all I want him for him.

I jolt awake in the night imagining him at 16 addicted to booze and drugs because “hey maaaan, my Mum she never really “GOT” me”

It’s serious. How can I know him again?

Will it happen naturally, will our wave come back in and find us just as we were? Do I need a child psychologist or an adult one? Is it serious, SERIOUS?!

Or are there times, when we just don’t “Get” our children and they just don’t “Get” us and if so OUCH didn’t see that one coming (you could’ve warned me Mum).

I miss him. I miss us. I feel like a double act that’s lost its double bit.

I don’t know what else to say, Super Nanny are you out there!???

This post is To Be Continued.